Ain't No Rest For the Women

Feeling guilty for taking a break or "earning" your rest impacts you more than you think

“Rest is lazy.”

That’s how I described my inner conflict over rest to the dietitian I started seeing last week.

The dietitian is a key part of my new treatment regimen for eating disorder recovery (related to RED-S; stay tuned for more on this), and — whoo, boy! — she’s already challenging me to be a better version of myself, or whatever.

The first time I really embraced the idea of “rest” was last July when I recovered from an oophorectomy.

I parked a lounge chair in the shade of my driveway and read books and napped in the afternoon. I sat in the chicken coop and didn’t attempt to do my regular chores like I’d always done before.

Despite my long-held belief that rest is lazy and needs to be earned, I nearly always felt overwhelmed by the mountains of unfinished tasks that piled up no matter how hard I worked: The garden needed weeding, the sourdough starter was hungry, and no one was walking the dog.

Taking recovery days after surgery seemed like a selfish indulgence that only delayed the frantic domestic catch-up.

Recovering from oophorectomy and starting surgical menopause, July 2023

Women have worse health outcomes

I know I’m not alone in this: Research has documented that women often have worse health outcomes than men because they resume caregiving duties before they are medically ready. Women report feeling pressure to care for children, spouses, and household duties, which delays healing and leads to higher rates of post-operative complications (like infection).

Read: It’s all in your head

This reminds me of a friend who warned me before my oophorectomy not to do anything too strenuous after surgery. One day after her procedure she busted some internal sutures while rolling out dough for cinnamon rolls and started hemorrhaging blood into her underwear.

You might be wondering: Can’t the cinnamon rolls wait? It turns out it’s not that simple.

What does rest actually look like?

Our bodies and brains need rest, full stop. And not just, like, a break after mowing the lawn or sitting down to scroll through TikTok before bed. Rest means engaging in activities that actually restore you, mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Do you really know what that means for you?

I’m only beginning to figure out what it looks like for me, but here are some examples:

• 7-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep

• lying down for a nap without feeling guilty

• meditation without noise

• journaling to process your emotions

• walking in nature for 30 minutes

• painting or sewing for pleasure

Rest means doing these things without concern for output, productivity, or justification, just because it feels good.

When was the last time you did something like that? ⤴ I’ll wait.

Why we don’t rest

I believe there are two major reasons we often have a tough time embracing rest:

1. Women have deeply internalized beliefs about rest and productivity

2. Women carry the majority of the domestic workload

Women have deeply internalized beliefs about rest and productivity

“Self-care” might be a major buzzword right now, but how much of what we think of as self-care is actually restful? Many of us still consider rigorous cardio, grocery shopping alone, or washing our hair once a week to be self-care. Those don’t really count because they’re necessary, productive, or tied to caretaking.

🔋 We’ve got an expectation to be caregivers

Many of us grew up with the traditional expectation that girls and women become caretakers and nurturers, which leads to the belief that our worth comes from what we can do for others. Rest is at the bottom of our list of priorities and, when we do rest, it evokes guilt and/or shame.

🔋 We try to be “superwomen”

There’s a cultural (mythical) ideal in which women can — and should — “do it all.” This means maintain a career or a side-hustle, raise a family, take care of children, keep the home clean and well-decorated, cook and bake and garden and do enriching activities and keep up with relatives, etc. etc. etc. This idealized version of the wife and mother is perpetuated by social media.

Read: The great MLM collapse and what it means for American moms

🔋 We live in a productivity-based culture

Regardless of whether you work outside the home, your value is probably tied to your output. That’s capitalism, baby! You can feel good about yourself and your day based on how much you accomplished, made, or completed. This can be especially harmful for women who feel pressured to excel in caregiving roles.

Women carry the majority of the domestic workload

🔋 We carry the mental load

Women tend to work the “second shift” in heterosexual relationships, which means that we do the majority of the thinking, planning, communicating, and organizing required to keep a household and family running. The “second shift” refers to the often-unacknowledged work we do after traditional work hours are over.

Read: The moms in the school supply aisle

🔋 Domestic duties are unequal

Women across the world still take on a disproportionate amount of the unpaid chores, childcare, elder care, and other forms of unpaid labor, regardless of whether they work outside the home.

🔋 Women experience time poverty

The time consumed by the disproportionate load of unpaid labor limits the hours we have for rest, self-care, or … anything. Plus, societal conditioning often teaches us to neglect our needs in favor of caring for others. Time poverty is the frantic, “I need more hours in the day”-type feeling we get when we just can’t seem to get it all done.

Read: In the cult of domesticity: When even our hobbies center around caretaking

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What does a world of rested women look like?

Okay: We’re burdened with the emotional and domestic load. So, what?

Addressing the imbalance of unpaid labor and caregiving responsibilities requires systemic change, like:

• more equitable distribution of domestic tasks

• better support systems

• challenging societal norms that undervalue women’s work

It also means more personal shifts, like:

• setting boundaries

• asking for help

• prioritizing rest as a piece of your overall health

This doesn’t just change overnight, sure, but here’s what I envision for the leagues of women who don’t know how to rest (myself included).

→ Redefining our values so we rest without guilt

When we redefine what “productive” means we can see ourselves as worthy without having to consider our “output.” What if we really thought about quality as more important than quantity, and rest as a component of productivity rather than taking away from our work? I think this would allow us to escape the internal conflict we often feel when we sit down to rest.

→ Build rest into our routines

Can we stop over-committing and start saying “no,” so we protect our time and energy? To get adequate rest we have to carve out regular time without feeling obligated to meet everyone else’s needs first. This means asking for help and delegating even the things we kinda want to maintain control over 👀 (speaking to myself here)

→ Rest as a right, not a reward

This mindset shift means we’d see rest as essential, not justified or “earned” through hyper-productivity. Rest is a part of taking care of ourselves just like taking vitamins or brushing our teeth.

What would happen if we actually rested?

Here’s what I think would happen if we did embrace rest — like really embrace it:

• we’d sleep better and stop waking up feeling tired

• we’d have better immune function and less chronic illness

• we wouldn’t get burned out at work (or at home doing caretaking tasks)

• life would feel more sustainable and less rushed

• we’d be more creative and have more energy to pursue stuff we love

• we’d be less anxious and feel more at peace

And if we never rest …

Here’s what my new dietitian said when I confessed I struggle with the idea of allowing myself rest:

We need rest neurologically in order to function, but if we spend our resting time judging ourselves we don’t really get any of the benefits.

This contributes to a cycle of self-criticism and exhaustion that — at least for me — can culminate in resentment and burnout.

Read: 4 types of invisible labor you might be doing at home

Now, what?

We have to create time for rest intentionally and get comfortable being uncomfortable with rest — actually resting. Not multitasking or reading on the elliptical.

My therapist once told me that we’re here on Earth to be, not to do. When we get caught up in all the “doing” (the dishes, the laundry, the errands, the to-do list), we bypass the presence and joy we’re really looking for. Rest allows us to just … be.

That’s why sitting under a quilt in my yard felt so damn amazing (I’m gonna do it some more).

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🫖 “Rest” is the October 2024 topic for our Women’s Sharing Circle.

Sharing Circles are for real talk about women’s issues like menopause, hormones, mental health, motherhood, and marriage. They’re free and online each month.

Click here for more info and to get on the “interested” list.

🗓️ Tues. October 15, 3p ET / 12p PT: “Rest”