The moms in the school supply aisle
How invisible emotional labor impacts us and what we can do about it right now
Yesterday I took my son shopping for school supplies for the first time (he starts kindergarten in one week!). It brought me back to when my mom would grab a hard copy of our school supply list from the cardboard display at the front of the store and run her finger down the list, making a mental note of all the things we needed to grab.
Just like it was in the 90s, the school supply aisles of Target were filled with moms and their kids haggling over pocket folders and backpacks. Like me, they’re checking items off physical and mental to-do lists to make sure their kids are prepared for the first day of school and team sports, etc etc etc.
This week, the countdown to the first day of school, is one of the peak times of year for invisible, emotional labor.
What is emotional labor?
I first learned about emotional labor in graduate school when I read research about how flight attendants have to suppress their real feelings to serve their passengers.
No matter how badly they were treated they were expected to do what the customers needed, and it took a huge toll; flight attendants reported major burnout, especially when they had to adhere to strict appearance guidelines.
Emotional labor is the often unnoticed and undervalued emotional work that individuals, particularly women and mothers, perform to support the emotional well-being of others.
The problem with emotional labor
Emotional labor often means putting other peoples’ needs first. It means managing and checking off the constant to-do list of other people’s needs and desires, sometimes to your own detriment, depending on how aware you are and good at setting boundaries.
The problem is that, because it’s largely invisible and monotonous, emotional labor is often thankless and unacknowledged. It’s the type of “little stuff” that is easily taken for granted. Yet it’s the silent undercurrent that keeps our homes and workplaces running.
4 reasons we should all care about emotional labor
Okay, so we all have some level of emotional labor. But why should we care? Isn’t it just part of being a functional adult human?
᠅ Emotional labor takes a mental and physical toll
Invisible emotional labor can lead to burnout, stress, and mental health issues because it often goes unacknowledged and unshared. The constant expectation to manage others' emotions, in addition to other responsibilities, can be overwhelming. I often feel this way at the end of a week — like this week — of solo parenting while my son is out of school.
᠅ Emotional labor affects men and women differently
Women are disproportionately expected to perform invisible emotional labor, both at home and in the workplace. Women are often socialized to be people pleasers, nurturers, caretakers, while men's contributions are often more visible and therefore easier to acknowledge and reward.
You may know what I mean if you’ve ever been volun-told to take notes in a meeting or order the birthday cake for a coworker. This can also create an unfair distribution of work where some employees, often women, take on more than their fair share.
᠅ Unequal emotional labor can impact our relationships
The expectation for women and moms to manage emotional labor can lead to resentment. When one partner is primarily responsible for the emotional health of the relationship, it can create a power dynamic where needs are neglected.
᠅ Emotional labor has economic implications
When emotional labor is unpaid and unrecognized it contributes to the gender pay gap. When we spend significant time and energy on tasks that are essential to the functioning of our families and workplaces but are not compensated or considered, we can end up burned out and overworked but underpaid.
What we want is for emotional labor to be visible and acknowledged
Some aspects of emotional labor are unavoidable in an age when we try to do and be a lot of things for a lot of people.
But here are some steps we can all take to reduce the burden and impact of unequal emotional labor:
Acknowledge and value emotional labor
If our partners and family members see the importance of emotional labor and the effort it requires then we feel our contributions are meaningful and visible. In workplaces, this might actually mean formally acknowledging and compensating emotional labor.
Share the load
We can and should encourage equitable emotional labor (at home and at work) where everyone, regardless of gender, is encouraged to participate. Challenge gender norms around emotional labor!
Talk about it
We need to support for those who are disproportionately burdened by invisible emotional labor. Ideally we could do this with mental health services and flexible work arrangements, but, in lieu of those resources, we can validate the reality of emotional labor and give our loved ones space to talk about it (like in our Women’s Sharing Circles).
→ More: 4 types of invisible labor you might be doing at home
What, now?
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I post about life on the farm, motherhood, writing, reproduction, menopause, and more. Follow at @micahlarsen_