4 types of invisible labor you might be doing at home
Because we don't acknowledge the gender divide in thankless, unpaid domestic labor done by wives and mothers
This is our weekly listicle for July 11, 2024
“Invisible labor” refers to the unending to-do list of little, unpaid, tedious tasks living in the back of your head right now. All functional adults have to-do lists, of course, but here’s the problem:
Women do the vast majority of unpaid, unregulated, thankless domestic labor.
This burden contributes to emotional burnout, and it’s placed disproportionately on women because … well, we live in a patriarchy where, even when women joined the workforce, we never gave up our lion’s share of domestic tasks.
When we become aware of the invisible labor we “own,” we can talk about it. Ideally, we can change the way our households work and make it more equitable.
In the past two years my husband and I have restructured the way we handle domestic tasks, particularly the “invisible” kind, and it’s had a huge impact on my quality of life. 🙂
Four types of invisible labor you might being doing in your home
1️⃣ Kinkeeping
Are you the person who keeps your family in touch? Writes and sends the birthday cards? Reminds your partner about anniversaries and important dates?
You might be the kinkeeper.
Kinkeeping is all the little things you do to maintain ties to family, like sending photos, and updates, or the big things, like arranging family vacations and reunions.
I stopped doing giving reminders about holiday and birthday gifts in my household when I realized that I didn’t have to “own” all the kinkeeping. While it was icky to know that it could mean that people would feel “out of the loop,” letting go of the perpetual calendar and list of to-dos in my head was a relief.
2️⃣ Keeping the family calendar in your head
Once, at an event for my husband’s workplace, one of his coworkers asked him if he’d like to spend a day fishing and, instead of just saying, “Sure,” he politely said, “That sounds fun; let me check with my wife.” Someone who overheard the interaction gushed about how considerate it was to check with me before committing to plans.
That’s kind of a low bar, honestly, but it is a big deal, and it was something that we’d had to work on in our marriage. I was often left in the lurch with our infant son when Eric made spontaneous plans to go fly fishing or ride motorcycles. At the time, I had no hobbies to speak of and was frankly struggling to just make it through the day.
Because Eric worked a lot and I worked from home and cared for our son, I kept the calendar of family events and appointments in my head. Things got better when I started writing everything out on a dry-erase calendar that hangs in our kitchen in plan view; not only could we know what to expect from the week at a glance, but it became a good scapegoat for me when something was forgotten (“It was on the calendar!”).
3️⃣ Doing tiny, thankless, monotonous tasks
I once read somewhere that, if you’re the person who clears the too-small clothes out of your child’s closet, you know you’re the default parent.
Organizing too-small clothes is one of the domestic tasks in a home that’s easily overlooked, especially when you’re not the person who does most of the domestic labor. Add it to the list of those little chores, like:
refilling the hand soap
cleaning out the dryer lint
spraying off the window screens
… that, if you aren’t the person doing them, might just appear to be do themselves overnight, as if *by magic.*
These tasks are why, when you tell your partner that it’s a lot of work to run your household they may just not get it. The small things may seem invisible to the naked eye, but they add up.
4️⃣ Being aware of everyone’s needs
This is the most general and potentially most emotionally-draining of all the invisible labors: Acting as the emotional thermostat of your family.
As a recovering people-pleaser and sensitive eldest daughter, I might just be prone to this behavior, but I think it’s something that’s commonplace for mothers and wives who do the lion’s share of domestic labor. There’s a constant, low-level awareness of: Does my husband have clean underwear? Did I pack Wilder’s lunch? Does he need more toothpaste? Who isn’t wearing sunscreen?
If I were to take a two-week solo vacation, I bet the most notable difference would be the silence where this mental ticker usually runs.
What we want
I have the urge to write something here like:
I don’t mean to complain! I’m so grateful to have a home and a loving husband, and I’m thankful to be a mom. I love my child more than anything else in the world.
… because moms are not supposed to be ungrateful. We are socialized to put our families first and our wellbeing last. To be a mother is to be a martyr.
But we can both be filled with love and gratitude and acknowledge the persistent gender divide in domestic labor. We can acknowledge the realities without running back to the caveat: “Don’t worry, I didn’t forget that my family is the most important thing!”
What to do
Lots of folks who endorse the patriarchy would have you believe that there is no gender inequality, in the home or otherwise.
Just take a look at my Instagram comments:
But, when we point it out, we validate the experiences of people who do see it and live it. When we know better we can do better.
I found Eve Rodsky’s book, Fair Play, extraordinary validating and helpful for having conversations with my husband that moved the needle in our household. Click here for details.
🫖 Women’s Sharing Circles
If you feel this:
“I’m so worried about what’s going to happen in this upcoming election.”
”I’m so depressed seeing what’s happening in the news with women’s rights being stripped away.”
”I carry so much resentment for the things that happened to me in my life.”
Then join me for this:
Free, online Women’s Sharing Circles start Sept. 16, 2024. Get on the zero-commitment “interested” list here.
Oh my word yes!!! This conversation about mental load and invisible labor has been on my "conversations to have with my husband" list for over a year. Thanks for spelling out some specific things I can use to share with him
Please don't make me add "spray off window screens" to my list (just kidding). This is a great roundup. I think stocking the pantry with food for the **whole** family is another I'd add to the list.