Butt dimples

Our backsides, body image, and being good role models to our kids while healing from our own body shame

Content warning: Disordered eating ⚠️

“Why does your butt have dimples?”

— my son on Saturday morning.

It’s a fair question — and maybe even a good one. Why doth our backsides adopt such a rumpled texture?

But, dear reader, I caught myself mid-cringe as I pulled my leggings over the aforementioned backside and tried to rearrange my face into something that resembled neutrality.

While my knee-jerk response to his innocent question was to scream into a void, I don’t want my five-year-old to think women are supposed to be ashamed of their natural, shapely bodies.

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The kids are listening

Some backstory (on my backside): When my curious toddler (now five) started asking lots of questions, my husband and I committed to actually answer them and resist the urge to brush him off with “because,” or “I told you so.”

I do not know the underlying causes of cellulite, and while I usually do my best to find answers, this question was particularly triggering for me.

As women we are often primed for self-criticism, particularly about our appearances. Culture and conversations remind us repeatedly that what we look like is the most important thing about us, and that we are most valuable when we adhere to a strict, unattainable Western beauty standard (young, white, thin, poreless). This requires constant vigilance and nitpicking, which reminds me of scene in Mean Girls when the Plastics take turns picking apart their reflections in the mirror:

Our negative body talk rubs off on our kids.

Even if we don’t think they’re listening. Even if we look at their flawless, little-kid bodies and think they’re perfect. Even if we don’t think our criticisms apply to them.

But — butt dimples? — BRO. You could have picked anything else. 😩

Why butt dimples are a big deal

Butt dimples are a particularly sensitive subject.

I’m one year into surgical menopause, have experienced a lot of body changes since my hysterectomy, and recently returned to eating disorder treatment.

To say that body positivity — or even body neutrality — is a tough sell at this time would be an understatement. 😬

That being said, I am painfully aware that I may be represent womankind for my only child to whom he — subconsciously — compares other women for the rest of his life.

I ingrain beliefs about women and their bodies into him with the way I talk about mine, and I’m terrified that I will unintentionally teach him that all girls and women are supposed to be self-conscious and ashamed when they don’t fit into a specific beauty standard.

The first thoughts that popped into my head when Biscuit asked about my “butt dimples” were:

• “OMG” 😳

• “Ew, I’m so gross.”

• “Don’t look in the mirror.”

But, if I voice these criticisms to my son, or even act embarrassed or ashamed, will he expect others to feel the same way about their bodies?

I don't want him to internalize the way I talk about my body, either. I don’t want him to look at his reflection and and search for “dimples” and judge himself when he finds “imperfections.”

What we want

For me, the societal pressure to look a certain way has been on my shoulders for so long that I really had to think about what it would look like for my son to grow up without that weight. What do I want for him? Here’s a start:

Good role models

I want my son to see adults of all genders enjoy positive (or at least neutral) relationships with food and their bodies. No shit-talking about particular foods or features.

Healthy body image

I want my son to know that — at least in our home — we believe all bodies are good bodies.

Self worth outside of appearance

I want my son to find value in things other than the way he looks, like his curiosity, kindness, intelligence, hobbies, and compassion.

Open communication

I want my son to feel he can come to us to talk about anything having to do with insecurities or body image.

The consequences of our negative body talk

I keep asking myself: How do I grapple with my own body issues while trying to be a good role model for my son?

I don’t know the answer. But I do know the conditions under which eating disorders start to fester:

• Low self-esteem or negative self-perception

• Perfectionism or unrealistic standards

• Coping with stress or trauma

• Diet culture, or exposure to “dieting,” weight loss, and “clean eating” dialogues, like from family culture or social media

Stress and the lack of positive coping mechanisms can set the stage for an ED when binging, purging, or restricting are a substitute for control or happiness. At the very least, these things can result in shame and a poor self-concept.

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What to do about it

I don’t have a great plan for how to heal from an ED while raising a body-positive kid. I’m mostly white-knuckling and making it up as I go.

But here are some things that work for my son and for me:

Talking about food as nutrition dense

Rather than labeling foods as “good” or “bad,” we talk about what the foods can do for our bodies. There are “fun” foods that give us energy quickly, dense foods that give us energy for a long time, and some foods that are really important for growing bones and brains.

This helps me dismantle some of my very black-and-white thinking about “safe” versus “bad” foods, and I hope it helps keep my son from having guilt or shame about eating.

One of our favorite phrases is: “Check in with your body,” which teaches Biscuit to pay attention to his hunger and fullness cues.

Appreciating body differences

Watching the Olympics and Paralympics has been a great opportunity for us to talk about what bodies can do rather than focus what they look like. I’m learning the differences between:

Body positivity — love your body and celebrate its beauty, no matter its appearance.

Body neutrality — accept your body and appreciate what it can do (not how it looks).

On cellulite

When Biscuit asked me why I have “butt dimples,” I did my best to control my facial expression, pulled up my leggings, and told him what I know about cellulite: That when our body stores fat cells, they can push up on the skin in some places while tendons and muscles pull down.

Neutral. Factual. Really hard to get out while I choked on my own body shame.

Hopefully next time he asks me about my wrinkles.

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Do you have any tips on how to proceed with body image, positivity, and parenting? Tell me in the comments about your wins and experiences ↓

And join me for Women’s Sharing Circle, free monthly online events where we have real talk about women’s issues like mental health, motherhood, menopause, and marriage. See more here.

🗓️ Aug 21: “Aging”

🗓️ Sept 16: “Starting Over”

🗓️ Oct 15: Topic TBD