Your summer clothes should fit YOU, not the other way around

The annual reminder I need (you need?) about patriarchal beauty standards and your body

⚠️ Content warning: Disordered eating

---

In case you’re ever looking for a way to turn an emotional meltdown into a full-on midlife crisis, here is a suggestion:

Whilst making a big decision about a career change, try on a pair of too-small jean shorts in front of your full-length mirror.

How fun! How whimsical! Look at how the distressed pockets draw the eye to her overburdened zipper!

For me, there is nothing like warm weather, body changes, and the denim rotting in the back of my closet since to bring on an onslaught of self-loathing.

Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

---

The problem

In a weak moment a few weeks ago, I gave in to the malevolent masochist living in my brain and, to distract myself from big feelings about an overdue career change, engaged in a battle with some too-small denim cutoffs.

Every year for the past six years I have met the beginning of summer with a new body shape. In 2018, it was with my second pregnancy. In 2019, I was postpartum. In 2020, I had pelvic inflammatory disease, then a hysterectomy in 2022 and menopause in 2023.

For five of those years, I’ve been unable to fit in the previous year’s clothing. Only last year was I wise enough to stop trying them all on. I donated the piles of pre-pregnancy and pre-hysterectomy shorts and dresses gathering dust in my closet, vowing to stop comparing myself to myself.

I know I’m not alone in this: Summer clothes bring about negative feelings about our bodies. We show more skin to accommodate the heat and, if we’re not totally in love with the skin we’re in, the summer wardrobe gets … complicated.

This post on swimsuits by

Esther

is very validating ↓

Swimsuits...

---

Let’s unpack this

Shorter hemlines and denim waistbands may force us to confront the way our bodies change. Anxiety and negative self-talk abound! I am caught between loving and appreciating my body for what it can do, and criticizing it for not “fitting in” my clothes.

Which, honestly, is bullsh**. We shouldn’t be trying to fit into our clothes; our clothes should fit us.

For context: I have been in eating disorder recovery for seven years. My history with disordered eating probably exacerbates the feelings of failure and loss of control that come up when I see how my body has expanded each year. It begins a battle in my head that sounds like this:

• “You’re so much healthier than last year. You feel good! That’s what matters! You even ordered cream sauce on your pasta for the first time this year! #bodyacceptance #bodypositivity”

• “WTF, lady? Lay off the Nutella! All you have to do is slip back into some disordered eating and you could get this allllll under control.”

That’s really what it’s all about, y’know: Control. And not just your control over yourself, but patriarchal culture’s control over you.

Let’s unpack it together:

Patriarchal beauty standards

I’ve written before (here) about how our narrow beauty standards — which include thinness and whiteness — uphold the patriarchy by teaching women that we have to subscribe to a certain appearance or face judgment. It’s like we owe it to society to try to look a particular way.

Internalized anti-fat bias

Many of us have been heavily influenced by the beauty standard and cultural attitudes about fatness. In the past couple years I started to notice my internalized anti-fat bias and how much I judged myself for not doing everything I could do keep from having and feeling fat.

Body and hormonal changes

Regardless of how we feel about our bodies, they do and will change. Hormonal changes like menopause bring on slower metabolism and lack of energy. Less testosterone might mean less muscle mass. More progesterone can lead to increased appetite. And worrying about all of the changes doesn’t help a lick; in fact, high stress produces cortisol and signals to our bodies to hang onto fat.

Not accepting that we change with age and hormones makes it feel like we’re fighting an uphill battle (and losing).

---

What I wish for you this summer

I hope that you do not have a pile of rotting denim waiting to taunt you this summer. I hope that you could give a rat’s a** about the size on the tag on the back of your jumpsuit. I hope you have the mindset and budget to say: “F*ck it! I’ll go shopping!”

But if you too get coaxed into an annual denim snafu, I hope that this phrase helps you as much as it helps me:

“My clothes should fit me, not the other way around.”

If nothing else, remember that part of the reason you are self-critical is because you were probably raised in a society in which thinness was prized over most other attributes. You consume content that praises a narrow — and often unreasonable — beauty standard. You may, like me, internalized messages about how women should adhere to youth and beauty and slimness at all costs.

Let us remember, friend, that this is all a lie.

With my pregnant friend at the annual Missoula WildWalk parade. Our boys were also in costume.

What to do about it

I increasingly have moments of abundance self-love and acceptance in which I say to myself: Damn, girl. You are resilient. Your waistline is the least important thing about you.

These moments are still punctuated by old ED habits and a harsh inner critic who tells me that I am simply not working hard enough.

So, as temperatures rise, friend, I hope we are both able to embrace our figures (and maybe a flowy linen jumpsuit).