You are not entitled to our nipples
Get ogled in public or wrestle those foam pads back into your sports bras
Y’know when you do a load of laundry and, when you take everything out of the dryer, you’re left with an assortment of oblong foam pads that once neatly fit in your sports bras and built-in bra-tops?
I don’t know about you, but I often have a little stack of them on my dryer because I hate having to origami them back into the little side slits of my bras … And for what reason, exactly?
Because we’ve sexualized breasts so much as a culture that just the presence of women’s nipples is scandalous? 🙄
This is why we can’t have nice things
I should have seen it coming, honestly: When I posted this on Threads, I should have known that someone would take the opportunity to sexually objectify women ↓
Dammit. This is why we can’t have nice things, Internet! 🤬
The silver lining (maybe) is that these comments illustrated the exact issue at hand: That women often do not feel safe in public because of patriarchal men’s entitlement to our bodies.
We don’t feel safe being ogled in public
Okay, so, I certainly cannot speak for all women, but I do know after countless conversations with friends, family, and clients, that many of us, particularly those who have experienced harassment and/or intimate violence or assault, feel triggered when we catch men staring at our bodies.
Being ogled is like getting re-traumatized over and over again.
I’ve heard patriarchal men say that ogling women is supposed to be a compliment:
"Getting stared at should make you feel desired and powerful.”
For me, it doesn’t feel like a compliment. It feels like getting touched with a hot wire. And it is frustrating to me that I have to choose between:
Dressing in a way that obscures the natural features of my body, no matter the temperature or what would be comfortable
Dressing in a way that is comfortable but that will open me up to roving eyes of men I do not know, making me feel like a target
And, in a patriarchy, the onus is put on women to dress in the “right” way. But what does “right” mean? If you attract sexual attention because — God forbid — your nipples happen to be visible beneath your shirt, it’s your fault. You asked for it.
But, if you don’t wear things that are “flattering,” it’s like you aren’t following through on your social contract to do your best to be sexually attractive.
Lose-lose.
One of my favorite scenes in the Barbie Movie is when Barbie and Ken arrive in Los Angeles and Barbie is taken aback by how men treat her at Venice Beach ↓
“Give us a smile, Blondie.”
It was refreshing to see that experience through the eyes of someone who wasn’t used to it. I wonder if, for some men in the audience, it made the “violent undertones” more visible.
What do we want?
Patriarchal culture rewards dominance and aggression and puts a lot of emphasis on objectifying women.
I’ve written about this before: In a patriarchy, women’s value comes mostly from appearance. Your value = how much you turn men on.
If our sexual attractiveness is the most important thing about us, it makes sense that patriarchal men think that ogling our body parts in public is a compliment. They were taught to view us as body parts first and humans second.
Objectifying is dehumanizing. The more we’re seen as a walking pair of boobs, the less deserving of equal rights we seem in the eyes of patriarchal men, and the more entitled they feel to our bodies, visually and physically.
We have to teach our kids a better way
Internet trolls like to tell me that sexual harassment is justified because human men evolved to be sexual and dominant.
My response is: I wrote my master’s thesis on sex, evolution, and social psychology. Evolution is not a justification for how we act. We can choose to treat people the way they deserve to be treated.
We can and should teach our kids, especially our boys, that they are not entitled to other people’s bodies. We can teach them that:
other people’s bodies are not there for their enjoyment
they have control over and are responsible for their choices
the way they interact with people has an effect
Women — and all people — deserve to feel safe in public and private. It may seem like a small thing, or even like a compliment, but staring at women’s bodies is interpreted as entitled and even aggressive.
Why this matters
Years of trauma therapy taught me to notice the effect sexual harassment has on me. Like a lot of women with a history of sexual assault, I go into fight-or-flight mode when I am triggered. I dissociate or panic, and it takes conscious effort to disrupt that state. It can last for minutes, hours, or, on occasion, days.
Here’s something that people with male privilege may not know: Our brains often do not know the difference between a stranger staring at our cleavage and a bear attack. Especially for people who have experience trauma and who have overactive fight-or-flight responses, even “small” things can trigger big reactions.
That’s what’s so interesting to me about the #manvsbear debate:
For many of us, there’s no difference. Our brains feel like we’re being charged by a grizzly every time we are objectified or harassed. There are bears in the grocery store, in the parking garage, and sometimes in our homes.
What to do about it
A couple hours after the Threads-bikini-nipple debacle, my son asked me to “tussle” (wrestle) on the couch, and playfully flicked me in the face.
I thought: This is where it starts.
Not the entitlement, per se, but the conversations. This is when we can teach our kids about boundaries. How their choices affect other people. How their needs and desires do not outweigh others’.
I don’t always know the right thing to say, and my son is only five. But I intend to do my best to teach him empathy for people who will not have his white, male privilege and don’t feel as safe in public spaces (particularly our WOC, LGBTQIA friends) because others objectify them and feel entitled to their bodies.
Things I say to my son:
“If someone is making you feel uncomfortable, tell them clearly to STOP.”
“I believe you.”
“Check in with your body.”
“If someone says ‘No,” stop what you are doing.”