WTF is "flattering?"
How can we nail personal style while smashing the patriarchy?
Okay, so, at the risk of sounding insane, I wanna say I figured out the key to successful clothes shopping. Hear me out! You just need to discover your:
definition for “flattering”
That’s it. That’s the key to the perfect wardrobe (easier said than done, I know).
Now, I’m not gonna say that I have it nailed, but I do know that this has revolutionized my ability to clothe myself in things that make me feel like me and like the way I look.
Which, for women and nonbinary folks in our culture, is pretty revolutionary.
Body changes forced me to be intentional about my clothes
My body has taken multiple shapes and sizes since I got pregnant, had a baby, then a hysterectomy, and went through surgical menopause in the past six years. In the process, I:
Discovered and broke up with Stitch Fix 😪
Wore exclusively leggings or a hospital gown and nursing bra
Had meltdowns on my bedroom floor when I couldn’t fit in anything I owned
Resolved to work on self-love rather than my appearance
Did a TikTok deep dive on seasonal color analysis
Discovered Kibbe body types
When, at Step 4, I was forced to think about shapes and silhouettes, I realized I didn’t really wanna wear what was trendy. I wanted to nail my personal sense of style in my mature body.
Nailing my personal style
The Kibbe method, which comprises 13 body types (I’m a Flamboyant Natural), has proved to be crucial in understanding which silhouettes will look good on me. No more guessing or trying on-trend garments that disappoint! I can look at everything with an FN filter. Suddenly, the world of clothing makes so much sense.
Add in a color season — I’m a Soft Summer — and suddenly it’s like, BINGO: I know what I’m gonna love and what will be flattering 🥳
Herein lies the problem: What does “flattering” mean? And according to whom?
Flattering the patriarchy
In a patriarchy, women are raised to:
adhere to a narrow beauty standard (young, thin, white)
spend lots of time and energy on self-improvement
see other women as “competition”
judge others based on appearance first
So, does "flattering” just mean conforming to the patriarchal standard? Does it all come down to wanting to package ourselves for the male eye? 😫
What we find attractive
My inner social scientist wants to tease out the evolutionary psychology pieces. We used to think there were universal standards by which we judge beauty and attractiveness, like:
facial symmetry
clear skin
waist-to-hip ratio
… which signal that someone is healthy, fertile, and has good genes to contribute to our gene pool. But the truth is actually more complicated. That’s just the Western beauty standard.
And, if we’re aiming for “flattering” clothing and a “youthful” appearance, are we just packaging ourselves for the male gaze?
The male gaze
The male gaze is the stereotypical, sexualized way we view people in our content and culture, like in movies, art, and comic books. Through the male gaze, women are objectified and portrayed for consumption by men.
If “flattering” means enhancing our appearances, I wonder: By whose standard?
Typically, we think of clothing as “flattering” when it:
defines the waist
makes you look smaller or thinner
draws the eye to certain body parts (boobs and butts)
This definition puts a lot of emphasis on sexuality and taking up less space, which feels awfully male-gaze-y.
What we want
We all want to like what we see when we step in front of a full-length mirror. For several eating-disordered chapters of my life, that was: thin, thin, thinner.
Now, I just want to feel undeniably like myself, steeped in my own personal, unique flavor of Flamboyant Natural x Soft Summer:
cool x light colors
relaxed silhouettes
Conflicted in my “crone” era
As gradually embrace an early arrival to my “crone era” — as in: maiden, mother, crone — I gravitate toward: Flowy linen. Roomy silhouettes. Blue. And” F*ck you, denim shorts.
I am increasingly aware that what I would call “flattering” is just a patriarchal beauty standard, but I can’t help but wanna conform to it as I carve out my personal style. 😑
Where does this leave us if we’re feminists who don’t wanna uphold the patriarchy, and we wanna love the way we look?
What to do
I don’t have an answer for the question above (maybe Gen Z or Gen Alpha will figure it out). In the meantime, if you’re interested in some instant gratification, here’s what may help you nail your personal style ↓
Kibbe body types
Kibbe is a way to classify your “image identity” based on David Kibbe’s philosophy from the 1980s. He believes in aspirational types instead of body shapes like “pear” or “hourglass.” Kibbe types are subjective and take into account your “essence.”
One thing I love about Kibbe types is that it can help you find inspiration from a community of other folks who identify with your type.
Seasonal color analysis
Your color “season” takes into account your skin tone, hair color, and eye color. There are lots of tutorial and filters that purport to help you identify your color season, including fabric draping.
Ultimately, I used the eye dropper tool on my iPhone on selfies to identify my eye, hair, and skin tones and asked ChatGPT to identify my palette. Try something similar with ChatGPT 4.
Seasonal color analysis explained
Aesthetics
This is a fun one and — warning! — it can lead you down an internet rabbit hole: I used this Aesthetics Wiki for years to help clients articulate their brand aesthetics. You can use it to discover your very specific personal style aesthetic. Then, you can search for it on Pinterest, Google, YouTube, and social media.
Examples: Twee; Neo-Celtic; Uptown Girl
I too am a Natural Flamboyant and feel amazing in jumpsuits - which aligns to a broader shape with verticality. Now I've got to geek out and find my season. Thanks for thinking outloud about aesthetics/feeling good vs male gaze and cultural pressures - I noodle on this all the time - especially with two daughters.