When work and motherhood collide

Multitasking is a myth, and working while parenting sets us up for failure

I’ve gotta be honest with you: I breathed a big sigh of relief after I dropped my son off at summer school this morning. My husband is working out of town and our regular childcare is unavailable, so it was me and Biscuit on the farm for the past 10 days.

I feel a little guilty about being relieved, because we had a great week of one-on-one time, but I am totally emotionally worn out.

Maybe it’s just me, but the only thing more draining than full-on, intentional, mindful parenting is trying to do that and work at the same time.

Trying to “have it all” in 2019.

Mom mode and work mode are at odds

Biscuit went to a meeting with me this week at a local coffee shop. It is a lot to ask of a five-year-old, but he colored, practiced his letters, and listened to a podcast with my headphones on. I got compliments from my colleagues afterward on how easy he is to be with.

Biscuit wore my headphones to listen to his current favorite podcast — Brains On — during my meeting this week.

Compliments like that make me beam, but he’s used to that scenario; Biscuit has been “co-working” with me since he was a month old and, to preserve my sanity and sense of self, I rushed back into entrepreneurship with a preemie baby long before his due date rolled around.

Back then, multitasking was intimidating but doable. If I started one or two hours ahead of time, I could breastfeed, pump, change him, get myself ready, pack up, drive to a meeting, and get settled before I presented myself professionally. I felt like I could have it all.

2019

But — maybe you already know this, friend — it only lasted so long. Before I knew it, he was not content with sleeping against my chest on Zoom meetings and at conference tables. Soon, he was crawling and trying to stick his finger in electrical outlets while I gave lectures at the university.

By the time he was nine months old, the writing was on the wall: The spaces and actions of working and caretaking are essentially at odds.

It feels exhausting to toggle between work and motherhood because being a PARENT and a PROFESSIONAL require completely different things from you.

And, often mom business owners try to do both at the same time.

Why it’s so hard

• Running a business and showing up professionally usually means solving big problems creatively

• Parenting a small child means solving the same, monotonous, small problems repeatedly

Trying to do both of these activities at the same time set us up for a lose-lose situation. I have almost always felt frantic and discouraged after trying to work while with Biscuit because there is no way to do both well at once.

It’s impossible to be present and intentional with your child while focusing on work, and it’s impossible to really go after your ambition when you’re trying to be “in the moment” with your child.

In my decade of entrepreneurship I found that the vast majority of mom business owners started their businesses so they could have time flexibility and take care of their families while earning money. More often than not, this also meant juggling childcare and working while parenting.

What makes it better

When Biscuit was six months old I accepted a teaching job as an adjunct professor of marketing. I hired a nanny, and when I went to campus it was the first time I was physically away from him for more than an hour or two. I expected to feel horrible about it, but I felt free. I was able to (mostly) think only about work, rather than splitting time.

Compartmentalization — when possible — is key. It’s really hard to truly compartmentalize when you work from home, because you’re surrounded by unfinished care tasks competing for your attention. For me, it’s the weeds growing by the driveway and the dryer telling me a load of laundry is done, and the crumbs and LEGOs on the kitchen table. It’s hard to block out all of the home to-do list and focus on professional stuff.

When we built my office in our alfalfa field on the farm and I started “commuting” to work (by walking past the chicken coop), I started to feel an enormous sense of balance. I leave my laptop in the office most of the time to create a sense of separation between “work” and “home.” When I leave the office and drive to pick up Biscuit at school, I actively remind myself to turn my work brain OFF and mom mode ON. It helps enormously.

We can’t do it all

I had a friend with older children once tell me gravely that "rocking the cradle with your foot while working on your laptop is not realistic," and I should have believed her then. I had to see it to believe it.

She was right: I couldn’t do it all. But all of the money I earned from teaching went directly to my nanny. Like a lot of working moms, I canceled out my own income and wondered sometimes whether working to maintain my identity and sense of self was worth it (it was).

I have the privilege of not being the breadwinner in my family, but I still ran my business so I could use my brain in that big-picture, creative way and feel like myself. As a result, Biscuit has always seen me working for myself and earning my own money.

In fact, a few days ago, he told my friend:

“Dada taught me how to be a trickster, and Mama teaches me how to work hard.” 🥹

What happens when we try to do it all

We’ve been sold on the American dream in which we “have it all.” We can be good moms and professionals and maintain ourselves and our homes.

I think that’s a version of reality slapped with an Instagram filter.

Minute by minute, we really have to chose one thing to focus on: Our work or our children. The most exhausting times for me are when I’ve been forced to switch back and forth rapidly between the two.

We know that moms take an enormous pay cut by staying out of the workforce when we have kids, but is there a better option?

I haven’t seen a good way to remedy work-life balance as mothers other than having a partner who is willing to do their fair share of the domestic labor and childcare and/or having a “village” of friends and family who do the same.

What to do about it

Here are some things that helped me a lot as a mom business owner:

1. Compartmentalize work and motherhood as much as possible

2. Set “work hours” if you work from home and turn off / leave devices in another room when you’re “off the clock”

3. Have frank conversations with your partner about domestic labor and equity in your home

4. Delegate as much work as possible

5. Talk to people who get it