6 Signs You Internalized Misogyny
Uh oh, babe. Your internalized misogyny is showing.
Modern Hysteria is a newsletter about the worst-kept secrets of womanhood — mental health, motherhood, menopause, and marriage — and this is the weekly listicle. Join us for our monthly Women’s Sharing Circles here.
Here’s fun lil’ sampler of my Instagram comment section from this week.
For context: This was on a reel I posted about the creation of the 1950s housewife:
Reactions to his comment ↓
This comment thread is a real bummer because, for one, it just reeks of internalized misogyny.
What’s internalized misogyny?
Internalized misogyny is what motivates women to police other women, to self-criticize, adhere to strict gender roles, and to normalize and even accept harassment.
♂ Misogyny — hatred, contempt, or prejudice against women simply because they are women; manifests in overt sexism, discrimination, objectification, harassment, or violence
♀ Internalized misogyny — when women adopt, believe, and perpetuate misogynistic attitudes, often subconsciously; reflects how deeply societal misogyny has been ingrained in women's minds
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Anyone can be a misogynist, but when women internalize misogyny it can be especially insidious because it reinforces limiting beliefs and perpetuates prejudice when we turn on each other.
It’s confusing because it’s ever-present and often invisible. Misogyny is the water we swim in, and it’s impossible not to be touched by it.
Read: I can’t stop thinking about the feminine mystique of Mormon Momtok
So … have you internalized misogyny? The answer’s probably yes, but here are some ways we see it rear its ugly head:
1. Judging other women
Do you ever hold other women to harsher standards than men in similar situations? Like, would you judge a mom for forgoing family time to focus on her career? And would you judge her more harshly than you would a dad in her position? Internalized misogyny might cause us to hold women to a higher standard than men when it comes to gendered expectations like caregiving, childrearing, or appearances.
2. Belittling anything feminine
I admit: I still have a hangup about the color pink. It’s my own internalized misogyny getting the best of me, but the last time I willingly, unironically embraced buying something pink was when I was in college and I had a pink comforter in my dorm room. This is an example of looking down on something traditionally “feminine” for no reason other than it’s considered girly.
I think the same thing applies to hating on anything “basic,” like Taylor Swift, Ugg boots, or pumpkin spice. Is our only real issue with those things that they’re associated with femininity? What if we just allowed ourselves to like what we liked?
3. Needlessly competing with other women
One of the hallmarks of patriarchy is the underlying belief that there’s only room for one woman at the top. Living and working in a society in which men tend to dominate positions of power means that opportunities for women feel more scarce and induce competition: Pick me! Pick me!
That’s where the idea of the “pick-me girl” comes from; the unconscious assumption that we need to compete for men’s attention, as if it’s a precious resource to which we must cling.
4. Criticism and self-criticism based on gender stereotypes
Internalized misogyny may mean criticizing yourself or others for not living up to gendered expectations, like not being “maternal” enough, or feeling guilty or ashamed for not enjoying cooking or baking or dressing in a feminine way. Perhaps most damaging of all is feeling guilty or criticizing women for not wanting to be a mother.
Read: Butt dimples
5. Downplaying sexual harassment or discrimination
This is the one that grinds my gears the most. Misogyny is so baked into our world that we minimize the experiences of sexism and harassment by making excuses for the behavior or blaming the victim.
6. Seeking validation only from men
The “cool girl” is similar to the “pick-me girl.” This is the tendency to adopt a phony, likable, low-key attitude even if it’s not at all what you’re feeling on the inside. You tamp down your authentic desires and feelings and replace them with whatever you think men will like.
The cool girl eats giant hamburgers and drinks Coors Light and hangs with the guys and is down for whatever and is anything but high maintenance, because everything she does is packaged to be palatable for and consumed by men.
Why does this matter?
Internalized misogyny is problematic because:
It undermines solidarity between women. When we put each other down and compete needlessly over men’s attention it makes it harder for us to unite against sexism.
It reinforces harmful stereotypes. Like those about women being catty and bitchy. When we devalue feminine traits and other women’s choices we oppress each other.
It perpetuates inequality. Internalized misogyny affirms the idea that our worth comes from men’s approval and that we have to shape ourselves to fit in in a male-dominated society.
Why noticing internalized misogyny is important
Calling out internalized misogyny encourages accountability
When we understand that our judgments, criticism, and competition comes from internalized misogyny — and that it’s not a true representation of us or our world — we’re better able to challenge misogyny. And we can help our loved ones be more aware of how sexism affects us all.
Read: 7 reasons we know the gender pay gap is real
Calling out internalized misogyny breaks the cycle
Addressing our internalized misogyny means we can make better choices about our behavior and avoid modeling it for our kids. We can stop passing down limited gender expectations that pigeonhole our kids (of all genders).
Let’s talk about it
Join me for an upcoming Women’s Sharing Circle for real talk about women’s issues like menopause, motherhood, mental health, money, and marriage. Our Sharing Circles are free and online each month, so we can feel seen, heard, and connected, and show up as better parents, partners, and people.
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Confession: what I find most troubling about internalized misogyny is that *I don’t even realize I’m judging women to a higher standard than men* even as I’m doing it.
I’ve come so far from the way I was raised, and grown beyond the culture I live in. And I’m proud of that, because it’s taken deliberate focus, and curiosity, and a high tolerance of discomfort. But this still gnaws at me.
It can be really uncomfortable to start acknowledging the ways that we've internalized misogyny, especially for those of us who see ourselves as pushing back.
I recently wrote about how the Moms of TikTok, of all people, made me realize that how I choose to silence myself when it comes to writing about certain things isn't really for the reasons I told myself, but because I'd internalized some of that messaging, too.
But once we know it, we can't un-know it, and there's a lot of freedom that comes with that, but it also can mean recognizing where we've been too kind or unkind, and that can be a tough pill to swallow.
Thanks for laying out all of the ways this can happen!