We Need To Talk About The Pumpkin Patch Dad

Why moms take on the holiday "magic making" and what it has to do with idealized masculinity

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Have you seen that video of Pumpkin Patch Dad? If not, lemme spare you:

Janie Ippolito of New Jersey planned a family trip to a pumpkin patch.

Her husband, Dave, hates the pumpkin patch. Because it’s expensive and a waste of time and the cider doughnuts are f*cking cold, Janie, WHICH IS OBVIOUS A HUMAN RIGHTS VIOLATION.

But, in all seriousness, this is not about Dave.

Dave is just a product of his environment, a culture in which men and dads are typically not expected to care about or contribute to the emotional labor of holiday traditions or meaning-making, while moms do more than their “fair” share.

@daveandjanie🍂 fall family fun🎃 Nothing like fun family memories at the pumpkin patch 🫠 #pumpkinpatch #dadsoftiktok #dadlife #family #marriage #relatable

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Now, for a little palette cleanser: This ↓ is my husband, happily and voluntarily picking squash and pumpkins from our pumpkin patch without the promise of cider doughnuts because he is a good person and a partner willing to have open conversations about equity in our household.

Over the past couple years he’s been really open about his appreciation for the small things I do to mark the holidays and seasons. This is meaningful for me, because it does take a lot of thought and effort to make a holiday happen.

Maybe it’s a mom-of-one thing, but I put a lot of emphasis on traditions with Biscuit: Pancakes cut into holiday shapes, dying Easter eggs with homemade dye, homemade costumes, holiday baking, and seasonally-appropriate crafts and Spotify playlists for each and every holiday (plus parades, photos, keepsakes, etc. etc.).

Now that he’s old enough to anticipate the holiday seasons, he looks forward to it as much as I do.

Are moms also the keepers of holiday traditions in your life? Are you the tradition-keeper, too? In my experience, moms tend to fill the stockings and take the holiday photos, get the Halloween costumes and organize the trick-or-treating.

Maybe you also “own” the responsibility for making holiday magic.

Maybe you internalize the pressure to create the perfect holiday experience, no matter how much effort it takes.

Maybe you feel strained or guilty if it doesn’t go as planned, and let down and resentful if your partner doesn’t participate.

The pressure — particularly on moms — to create meaningful, memorable holidays comes from our internalized pressure to perform the traditional gender roles we have been conditioned to uphold since we were little kids.

We still frame parenting and emotional labor — like that required for traditions and magic-making — along traditional gender lines. Keeping traditions is a form of caretaking, and caretaking is perceived as feminine.

Just like little girls are socialized for nurturing and caretaking work, little boys are taught to avoid these tasks because they’re perceived as feminine. And, if they don’t, they’re subject to ridicule or seen as week, sensitive, or “girly” (God forbid!). So, while girls grow up involved in and responsible for activities like gift-giving and wrapping and holiday baking, men play football and, maybe, deep-fry a turkey in the garage.

Why does this matter?

Pumpkin Patch Dad is emblematic of dads who subscribe to idealized masculinity and resent family activities that don’t align with their masculine identities. The pumpkin patch is expensive, mundane, nonessential, and decidedly unmasculine.

So, the pumpkin patch is annoying, and Mom is annoying for suggesting it.

Read the rest of this thread here

Y’know who I’m really concerned for? The kids in the backseat. They’re listening to Pumpkin Patch Dad Dave rail against the whole experience and complain about what was supposed to be a wholesome family activity.

What messages does this send?

• Mom is dumb and her idea was dumb

• Dad doesn’t want to be with the family and the outing is beneath him

• A family day isn’t worth the money or effort

This dynamic perpetuates traditional gender roles and toxic masculinity in which:

• Dads are exempt from emotional labor

• Efforts at magic-making are not worth acknowledging

• There is no partnership in carrying the mental load

Y’know who I’m really concerned for? The kids in the backseat. They’re listening to Pumpkin Patch Dad rail against the whole experience and complain about what was supposed to be a wholesome family activity.

Pumpkin Patch Dad and idealized masculinity

Idealized (and toxic) masculinity teaches us dads are the breadwinners and providers, and the rest of the mental load inherent in caretaking and domesticity belongs to moms. The invisible, mundane, near-constant effort required to take care of a home and family — often while working a part-time or full-time job — goes without mentioning, and the extra work required for the holiday season is no different.

In this dynamic the paid work Dad does is more valuable than the unpaid work Mom does, not just in terms of $$$, but in every sense of the word.

And Pumpkin Patch Dad could NOT HAVE BEEN MORE CLEAR about how little he values his wife’s emotional labor and magic-making: He literally said it was too expensive and he didn’t want to pay for any of it.

But, let’s be real: What would happen if Mom just stopped doing all the unpaid domestic labor? What if you just STOPPED doing all of it?

The emotional and mental work of magic-making and holiday memories is what makes childhood fun. And the domestic duties (usually) Mom does are what keeps the household and family running.

I wonder what Pumpkin Patch Dad would say if no one was there to plan outings or mark the change of seasons or do any of the other mundane things in his life that often go unnoticed but make life worth living?

What I wish for Janie

Here’s what I wish for Janie Ippolito in New Jersey and every other wife, partner, and mom who has been on the receiving end of a cider-doughnut rant:

🎃 Equitable division of labor

Distributing household and caretaking tasks equally among adults (Eve Rodsky’s book Fair Play has a great activity to make this actionable)

🎃 Shared responsibility for nonessential magic-making domestic activities

There’s the everyday mental load, and then there’s the seasonal bonus work that should be equitably shared, too

🎃 Acknowledgement of effort

If we can’t split the duties fairly, maybe Janie should at least get a little bit of credit

🎃 Empathy and understanding

… this is just bare minimum

🎃 Cultural shift toward valuing and recognizing emotional labor

I think we’re at the beginning stage of this one (I hope?). When we describe and openly address emotional labor — in public and private — we emphasize the value of all those invisible, unpaid duties that add up to make the world go ‘round

What do you think? Tell me in the comments ↓

Moms often work overtime on the second shift for holidays to make the sparkle happen. The decorations, the events, the costumes, the Elf on a Shelf.

As we approach the holiday-filled end of the year, will you feel the strain of the mental load?

If so, I hope your cider doughnuts are always warm, your Halloween costumes are half-priced, and the little holiday things you do never go unnoticed.

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