3 things I say to my son that make me feel like a good mom
On bodies, emotions, and big questions
📋 This is the Modern Hysteria listicle for June 14, 2024
I have lots of moments while parenting when I have no idea what to say, like earlier today, when Biscuit (5) asked:
“What’s stronger: A tornado or a bullet?”
When I was pregnant with him I was terrified of parenting. I wasn’t a “kid person,” and was convinced I was going to yell and scream and lose my sh*t. So I did what a lot of nerds probably do when they feel lost: I hit the books (and the podcasts).
That — plus starting out his life in the care of NICU nurses 😇 — gave me confidence in my parenting. I have a little library of favorite resources that truly developed my parenting philosophy, and I go back to them all the time (more parenting book recommendations to come!).
I’m far from a perfect mom, but I don’t lose my sh*t, and these are some of my favorite phrases ↓
01 “Check in with your body.”
I say this to Biscuit mostly at the end of the meal when he tells me he’s done eating, but sometimes when he asks for a treat.
Example: “I hear you saying you’re done with lunch. Check in with your belly! What is your belly telling you?”
Why this phrase?
It’s important to me that he follows his body’s cues, especially those regarding food. EL and I decided to avoid the “clean your plate” type of language at our dinner table in the hopes that Biscuit can learn to trust his body and confidently make decisions like:
“I’m done eating”
“I want to try that”
“I’d like some more”
“I don’t want to drink that”
“I need to rest”
02 “Are you feeling [emotion]?”
I say this to Biscuit most often when he seems to be frustrated, melting down, nervous, or angry, like when we’re going to a birthday party and he gets really quiet on the drive there, then doesn’t want to go inside.
Why this phrase?
It’s super important to me to teach Biscuit how to talk about his feelings. We live in a patriarchal society that promotes toxic masculinity, in which men and boys are taught that domination and aggression make you a “real man.”
→ Read more: I’m a boy’s mom, but not a #boymom
In toxic masculinity, emotional vulnerability is “weak,” when, in reality, it’s key for good relationships. And not just romantic relationships, but friendships and family relationships, too.
EL and I both have internalized and are working through messages about stoicism and vulnerability, and for me, it’s therapeutic to talk to Biscuit about his feelings.
📘 Book Rec: How Emotions Are Made
03 “Do you have any questions about that?”
I say this most often when Biscuit and I have a conversation about something complex. Most recently, it was after we talked about what “gay,” “trans,” and “nonbinary” mean.
Why this phrase?
“Do you have any questions?” allows me to see the world through Biscuit’s eyes for a bit. And he almost always has questions. I want him to know that he can come to me with any topic — and I mean any topic — and that we can talk through it without shame or embarrassment. I hope that it helps lay a foundation now for things to come (like when he’s a teenager).
I’m a social scientist by training and was an entrepreneur by trade. Now, I’m a writer and content creator. I write about womanhood, motherhood, infertility, hormones, and mental health in a patriarchy.
Follow me on Instagram here
This post was inspired by content from The Mom Psychologist
Your questions and comments for Biscuit are brilliant and will make such a difference in his life.
I love this. As an "Auntie" to a toddler boy, I am always reconsidering my default approach to handling feelings and bodies. Just because I followed certain patterns when my kids were little, doesn't prevent me from taking a more thoughtful approach to newer kids. After all, a little more time to reflect and adjust is one of the benefits of growing older.
Thirty years ago, tantrums felt like a personal attack that actively prevented me from getting through the day. Today, tantrums feel like an emotional overflow for a little person who has big feelings, but no way to control the environment, situation, or even his own body. I'd probably scream and kick if I was being manhandled beyond my comfort and endurance, too. Kids need us to listen and empathize.