I'm a boy's mom, but not a #boymom
Raising a feminist son in a patriarchy, Part 2
When I got pregnant in 2018, I said what a lot of expectant moms say when asked about the sex of their babies:
“I don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl, as long as it’s healthy.”
But, secretly, I really wanted to have a boy. 🤫
I was pregnant during the height of the #MeToo movement, and — I’m still embarrassed to admit this to you — I felt like I dodged a bullet with the fear I had about bringing a baby girl into the world.
What I didn't know when my obstetrician announced that he could see the “family jewels” (read: testicles) on my ultrasound was that I was about to be introduced to the world of #boymom culture.
→ 4 Things I Learned Late (And I’m Teaching My Son Early)
What Is A #BoyMom?
#Boymoms:
are overly fixated on their sons
coddle their boys them to the point of favoritism
fuss over their boys in ways that appear jealous (and even romantic)
are adamant that they raise “mamas’ boys”
obsess over hypothetical future daughters-in-law
The #boymom is an archetype of a mother who puts a lot of emphasis on her son’s gender and relationship, sometimes to the point of emotional incest.
Emotional incest occurs when a parent has an emotional relationship with a child that would only be appropriate with a romantic partner; the child is more of a friend, confidant, therapist, or emotional support. This is a big responsibility to put on a son who is not mature enough to uphold any of these expectations.
My beef with #boymom culture
#Boymom parenting not only reinforces gender stereotypes and can lead to emotional incest; it also upholds patriarchal beliefs.
Here’s my theory: #boymom culture is a side effect of the patriarchy in which we have been convinced that there's never enough room in a man’s life for more than one woman.
In a patriarchy, it benefits patriarchal men for us to believe that we have to compete for their attention.
When #boymoms say they are going to hate their future daughters-in-law because they “steal their sons,” it teaches boys that they can only put one person on a pedestal: Mom or partner.
Making #boymom such a distinct, “special” thing overemphasizes the differences in our kids’ genders (when sons and daughters are really a lot more similar than they are different).
There are over 17M #boymom posts on Instagram as of May 2024
What does #boymom culture do to boys?
In my opinion, making our relationships with our sons so gendered and territorial puts all the emphasis on the wrong things.
As parents of a child of any gender, we should be focusing on their
ability to recognize and name their emotions
independence
skills and interests
coping skills
The emotional incest that comes with extreme #boymom behavior must be suffocating. And who wants to raise a son who thinks he has to choose his mother or a romantic partner? No wonder relationships with in-laws are often totally fraught with tension.
What do we do about #boymoms?
Treating our kids as individuals first is so important. Regardless of their gender or birth order, they are individual people first and everything else second.
I think a lot of #boymoms just want to belong to something, be it an internet clique or social media phenomenon, and, besides what might be a very real fear of “losing” a son to another woman, it can be hard and scary to be a parent, period.
Hell, I like to belong, too! In particular, I like belonging to this boy. I don’t want to be a #boymom, but I love being a boy’s mom ↓
I think the takeaway here is that we should celebrate and emphasize all our kids’ positive attributes, not just the ones that reinforce their genders.
What do you think? Agree or disagree? Tell me in the comments ↓
Part 1 of this series:
Raccoon Tacos
On Friday morning, I discovered the remains of my favorite duck, Maple, in our poultry coop. I’ll spare you the details, but it wasn’t pretty. As soon as I saw the scene, I knew the raccoon was back, because they leave a certain unmistakable type of carnage.
If we lived in a patriarchy we would ban pornography. Never met a patriarch who wanted to raise his son in a world that hates boys so much, they shrug at his pornification, right when he starts to like girls. Crime against humanity, hurts everybody.