7 Life-Changing Lightbulb Moments I Had Working With a Dietitian (As A Mom Recovering From an Eating Disorder)
An anti-diet reeducation for a millennial of the heroin-chic 90s and low-rise-jeans 00s
⚠️ Content Warning: Disordered eating
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One of my biggest takeaways from this journey toward eating disorder recovery is that, while I cannot seem to remember where I put my car keys, I must have filed away in my brain thousands of stubborn bits of misinformation that influence my daily food choices.
The display of what a pound of fat looks like from my college student center.
“Rock-hard ab secrets” from my mother’s Shape magazine, circa 2006.
The recipe for the Master Cleanse.
The notorious passage from Little House In The Big Woods — you know the one I mean — in which Laura Ingalls Wilder describes how Pa could fit his hands around Ma’s waist.
*Sigh*
Now, at 33, in surgical menopause, as a mother of a five-year-old, and on the heels of a chronic injury, I am embracing the fact that I am not quite as recovered from my eating disorder(s) as I would like to think. But I’m getting there, with the help of a fab team of healthcare providers.
This post on RED-S got a big reaction, so I’m sharing more of the majorly-healing lightbulb moments I had while working with a dietitian:
1. “You’re Not Eating Enough (Like, At All)”
Can I just tell you … I was FLOORED when my dietitian told me (so nicely; bless her) that I was only eating about 70% of the calories I needed to function on a daily basis?
My eating-disordered brain fully believed I was overeating by 2x or 3x.
It just goes to show how people with a history of EDs have a hard time recognizing just how little they’re actually eating.
It’s no wonder I felt tired and weak: Chronic under-eating affects mental clarity and energy levels. Eating fuels hormones, brain health, and muscle mass (hence my noodle arms).
One of the first things Dietitian Kate had me do is implement snacks with at least two components to increase my calorie intake, like:
apple and peanut butter
crackers and cheese
yogurt and granola
2. “Under-eating Affects Your Metabolism”
Attention chronic dieters: Under-eating can slow down your metabolism. It’s a survival mechanism in which your body tries to conserve energy. When you’re not eating enough, your body learns to do more with less, which might sound beneficial, but often leads to fatigue, weight gain over time, and hormonal imbalances (yikes).
I can already tell increasing my snacks and food intake increased my metabolism. Rapid menopause already affected my metabolism a great deal, so this felt hopeful.
3. “Eat Off a Dinner Plate Like a Grown-Up Human”
Do you also find yourself eating meals off little side plates? I often used my son’s bowls and plates, an old dieting trick that is supposed to make you feel like you’re eating more (while eating less).
Eating meals off full-sized dinner plates was a big step for normalizing my adult food intake. It helps me visualize what a balanced meal should look like, and accept that it’s okay, even essential, to have a full plate with protein, carbs, fats, and produce. It’s a simple visual change, but it can help reframe your relationship with portion size.
Dietitian Kate shows me pictures of meal suggestions with appropriate portion sizes. This helps me reset my expectations.
4. “CICO (Calories In, Calories Out) Is BS”
Calories-In-Calories-Out (CICO) is a model that oversimplifies nutrition. It says weight loss requires only burning more calories than you eat.
⏯️ (I like this podcast episode from Maintenance Phase about CICO)
CICO ignores how factors like stress, sleep, and hormones interact with food, and how our genetics heavily influence how our bodies store fat. Different foods serve different functions beyond calories, and weight management isn’t as simple as counting calories. CICO puts the emphasis on individual effort, but we don’t have as much control over our weight change as we like to think.
Also, in case you’re under the same mistaken belief I was: Your body doesn’t store certain types of food “as fat.” It’s an equal-opportunity fuel-burning machine, and Oreos don’t just “become” fat on your body. 🙄
5. “Carbs Are Not the Enemy”
Carbohydrates are demonized in 90s-00s diet culture, but in reality, they are ESSENTIAL for energy, especially in brain function. It’s taking a lot of deprogramming with Dietitian Kate, but I’m starting to view bagels as less of an enemy or an indulgence.
Your body needs carbs, fats, and proteins to work efficiently. As Kate says, just my brain burns about the equivalent of 8-9 slices of bread a day, and carbs are not just energizing but satisfying.
Back to my sourdough I go!
6. “Get Rid of the Stuff That's Triggering You”
The scale. Calorie-tracking apps. Clothes from my “smaller days.” They’re all traps from my disordered-eating days I thought I dealt with. Except the hidden piles of shame jeans in our basement, the ones I stupidly tried to fit into a couple weeks ago. They’re getting donated!
I recently discovered Trashie’s Take-Back Bags and I’m fully utilizing them to donate clothes.
Removing triggers can be incredibly freeing if you have a history of dieting or EDs. Dietitian Kate is helping me create a safe and supportive environment for recovery, which means letting go of things that reinforce negative or unhealthy patterns or JUST MAKE ME FEEL BAD. Tight waistbands are another thing we identified trigger my ED part, so I’m embracing the season of black leggings. Yay, basics!
And, hey, maybe certain PEOPLE trigger you. Maybe it’s okay to think about boundaries … or trash for them, too. 👀
7. “You Shouldn’t Be Obsessing About Food”
My husband and I have a hobby farm on which we grow a lot of our produce, press cider, manage a small orchard, and keep bees. We have a flock of chickens and ducks, and keep produce in our 100-year-old root cellar. It’s all very bucolic and looks like it borders on trad-wife/prepper depending on which day you catch me — in an apron or overalls.
But, in all seriousness, we want to teach our son about where his food comes from, avoid pesticides, and — like all homesteading millennials — be a little smug about it.
I thought this new approach to food and farming meant I was recovered, but I learned from Dietitian Kate and my other healthcare providers that I can bake sourdough, run a farm stand, and cook my own nutritious dinners every night and still have an eating disorder.
The fact that my brain is occupied by thoughts of food up to 60% of each day — it is, if I’m being honest with myself — is a dead giveaway that I’m NOT recovered and I have more work to do.
Why This Matters
If these are lightbulb moments for me, maybe they’re lightbulb moments for you, too.
The more real we get with ourselves the more control we have. I think these lightbulb moments propel me toward a life that doesn’t revolve around calories and body image, one in which I can think more about stuff that makes me happy and brings me peace and contentment.
Is that a future you want, too?
Tell me if any of this resonates with you, or which lightbulb moments you’ve had in your path to recovery.
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I Thought I Was In My *Sourdough Era* But I Got Diagnosed With RED-S Instead
⚠️ Trigger warning: Disordered eating
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Deliver Me
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So valuable, thank you.
Hi Micah,
Thanks for sharing this with us. When I read a post start to finish, I always like to leave a comment so the author's aware she reached someone. It's the least I can do.
Eating disorder recovery is one of the trickiest things I've gone through; there are a lot of gray areas.
Rooting for you.