Hi!
It’s Micah with Modern Hysteria — your newsletter and podcast about the taboos of women’s health — and this week, let’s talk about SEX, baby! 🎶
Specifically, let’s talk about the the sex you might have:
out of obligation
to “check it off your to-do list”
to “talk yourself into”
The Taboo
This episode confronts the deeply-ingrained taboo that women’s sexual desire should be effortless, constant, and primarily for the benefit of others.
We’re told that a “good” woman is sexually available—but not “too much.”
We’re taught that if we don’t want sex, something must be wrong with us.
We’re conditioned to see our sexuality as a duty, not a source of personal pleasure.
“I believe that sexual empowerment underpins most things. And it starts with reclaiming our own sexual self as our own, outside of something with share with a partner. The more women who realize this, and that this is at the root of healing most (not all, of course) sex and relationship issues, the better.”
Lucy Rowett, sexologist
The Guest
Lucy Rowett is a certified sexologist and sex coach who helps women and people with vulvas let go of sexual shame.
She hosts the Naked and Unashamed Life podcast, and the resident sex coach at UK contraception platform The Lowdown, and is regularly quoted in iNews, Cosmopolitan, Men's Health, GQ, The Sun, Insider, and Glamour.
In 2023 Lucy was nominated for somatic sexologist of the year at the Sexual Freedom Awards. She uses a combination of mind body tools with evidence-based sexuality education to help women and vulva havers explore their sexual potential, and specializes in working with people with faith backgrounds who struggle to let go of sexual shame and enjoy intimacy.
📍 Location: Vienna, Austria
🆓 Workbook: How To Rock Your Bedroom and Ask For What You REALLY (really, really), Want In Bed
🎧 Podcast: The Naked and Unashamed Life
“Chronic people pleasing and burnout are directly impacting your libido, and therefore the quality of not just your relationship or marriage, but sense of self too.”
Lucy Rowett, sexologist
Key Takeaways
→ Your libido isn’t “broken.” It’s contextual.
Stress, emotional safety, and social conditioning all affect your desire. So do hormones! If you’re overwhelmed, or stuck in the fight-or-flight (or freeze or fawn) responses, your body will prioritize your safety over your pleasure and it can be hard to “get in the mood.”
→ Women are often conditioned to people-please, even in the bedroom.
This means some women *perform* sex instead of figure out what they like and what feels good for them. Our internalized misogyny teaches us to see our sexuality as something we owe, not something we own.
→ Pleasure starts with boundaries.
You don’t have to force yourself or “fix” your libido. You can ask yourself: “What do I actually like? What do I want?” Sexual empowerment is about prioritizing your own needs and pleasure.
Time Stamps
4:35: Purity culture and sexual conditioning
8:06: People-pleasing and burnout
13:18: The science of stress x sex
16:23: Why some women struggle with desire
20:37: The fawn response
Resources + Links
Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It by Cyndi Darnell
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
Esther Perel, psychotherapist
Masters of Sex (2013-2016)
Did this episode hit home? Tell me in the comments (I read every single one!):
Next week, we do a deep dive on CPTSD, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, and how we “reparent” ourselves while grappling with trauma.
‘Til then, take care of yourself!
— Micah
P.S. Our next Women’s Sharing Circle is on February 24, and our topic is “Wild Woman Within!” See details here.
Share this post