I watched Harrison Butker's viral commencement address so you don't have to
Why his advice to "lean unapologetically into masculinity" sucks for everyone
NFL players can teach us about a lot of things. Weightlifting, for example. How to come up with a clever player intro. Or, maybe: How to play sports with a concussion.
So, can we agree to stop asking them to give keynote speeches on topics on which they are not qualified? Because, honestly, chaos ensues.
For example, Kansas City Chiefs kicker Harrison Butker’s commencement address just went viral because, for one, he told women graduates: Congratulations on your degree and everything, but, your real value to society is as a wife and mother. 🙄
Y’know what NFL players could teach us about? Dismantling toxic masculinity and the constant need to prove your manhood with dominance and aggression.
Now, for that, I might even get an ESPN subscription.
What Harrison Butker said at at Benedictine
When Benedictine College administrators invited Butker to speak at graduation this past weekend, I wonder if they thought about his qualifications beyond being Catholic (Benedictine is a Catholic school) and a three-time Super Bowl champion.
He sure seems to have strong opinions and … not much else.
Right out of the gate, he managed to attack abortion, IVF, Pride Month, and President Biden, and the rest was basically 20 minutes of lobbing grenades at woke culture and Catholic bishops.
Anyway, Butker’s advice for the women in the audience sucked, but what stood out most to me was his message for the men graduating:
“Lean unapologetically into your masculinity.”
In the name of traditional gender roles, boys are often taught by patriarchal men (and women!) that they shouldn’t have emotional vulnerability. But, because they are human, they inevitably have low moments and, because of the unrealistic demands of stoic masculinity, they feel shame for wanting connection and empathy.
So they live in this cycle of:
normal sadness
wanting connection
shame for being “weak”
sadness and anger
wanting connection
… repeat, repeat, repeat. This keeps boys and men stuck in a tiny range of “safe” emotions (like anger), until it comes out as aggression.
“Leaning unapologetically into masculinity” sounds suspiciously like throwing yourself into the dominance, toughness, and aggression of precarious manhood without caring how it affects other people.
Why this matters
Not only do the demands of toxic masculinity keep men and boys from connecting with their friends and partners, but it keeps them from fully experiencing life.
We are wired to have a big, wide range of emotions, and the more we can identify and embrace our feelings (without shame), the better and deeper our relationships.
Imagine if the men in power could name their feelings and make decisions with emotional intelligence instead of in the pursuit of domination and power 🤯
But when we celebrate men like Butker — and put them on a g*ddamn podium — we move further from a future like that for our boys. They end up being emotionally stunted and their needs unmet.
What to do about it
There’s nothing you or I can do about institutions like Benedictine choosing to give people like Butker a platform, a microphone, and twenty minutes to fill. But we can be choosy about the role models we talk about in our homes.
We don’t have to hold up sports stars as cultural icons. We can applaud them for being really good at sports. And, y’know what? That’s probably enough.
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Who let this idiot give a commencement speech!? And although the Chiefs are my team (as I was born in KC and my dad sold tickets for years) this is all on brand for them. A former Chiefs player confirmed they had a giant sign in their training room “No pain, no baby”