9 extremely *eldest daughter* tendencies

Dead giveaways that you're the bossy-guilty-anxious oldest girl in your family

Modern Hysteria is a newsletter about the worst-kept secrets of womanhood — mental health, motherhood, menopause, and marriage — and this is the weekly listicle. Join us for our monthly Women’s Sharing Circles here.

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If you’re a *stressy-depressy*, responsible, overachieving worrywart with tummy troubles in a helping career who struggles with workaholism … are you also an eldest daughter?

“Eldest daughter syndrome” is not a real mental health diagnosis but feels very VERY real, because, as it turns out, if you’re the first-born girl in your family, you may have been responsible for more emotional and domestic labor as a child, which gives you a very particular set of quirks … Tell me if this is you, too:

1. You’re the “mom” of your friend group

Always feeling responsible for everyone else’s needs, even when it's not your job. As a parentified child you took on adult roles like disciplining younger siblings or propping up your parents emotionally. You were or are a default caregiver and have a big sense of responsibility for other’s feelings.

You googled the menu before you went to dinner, and OF COURSE you brought sunscreen.

@viennaaylaone thing about me is im gonna worry 🫶🏼 #oldestdaughter

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2. You’re the *emotional lightning rod*

As a people-pleaser (or recovering people pleaser) you are constantly taking the temperature of everyone in the room so you can make sure everybody’s happy. You believe youro “intuition” about people is spot on, but it’s really the super-sensitive antennae you developed by being hypersensitive to your family members’ changes in moods.

If you were the mediator between adults in your house you tend to overthink and often catastrophize situations so you can get ahead of the chaos.

3. You suck at asking for help

As a child you didn’t want to add to your family’s load because they already have a lot on their plates, and as an adult you have a hard time admitting when you need help. Because you don’t want to be a burden you became the one the “we never had to worry about you” daughter. You may have been accused of being “bossy” or “domineering,” but you know you also get sh*t done.

4. You struggle with perfectionism

You have to do everything perfectly because you're the one who sets the standard. You were probably a teacher’s pet and are wracked by guilt when you mess up and it affects other people.

You have to excel at everything you do to prove your worth and set a good example, so you own a lot of personal growth books and/or become fixated on “optimizing” aspects of your life.

You’re the go-to person in the family for advice, solutions, or handling crises and may be in a career that requires a lot of work hours and/or responsibility and you WILL SUCCEED OR DIE.

@madison.humphreyyThey keep it moving #fyp #comedy #relatable #couplecomedy #oldestchild #oldestdaughter #siblings

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5. You’re on anxiety meds

… or you might need them. You spend a lot of time worrying about the future and feeling overly responsible for outcomes beyond your control and may have coped by escaping into books or hobbies. Without good coping skills or therapy you might have developed *tummy troubles.*

6. You’re really good at suppressing your emotions

Putting your feelings aside to keep things running smoothly or because you feel like you don’t have time for your own emotional needs.

You may also have discovered you contain a deep well of suppressed and justifiable rage 🙃

7. You’re often plagued by irrational guilt

You feel guilty if you can’t help FIX something — even if it’s not your job — or if you prioritize your own needs, even in situations where it's unreasonable. You’re responsible for every one’s else’s happiness and wellbeing, right? It’s not your job to feel good; it’s your job to make sure everyone else is okay.

You have a really hard time taking a break to rest because you feel you have to be productive or risk being “lazy” so you’re prone to burnout.

8. Boundaries? Never met ‘er

You may feel responsible now for breaking generational curses but struggle with setting boundaries with loved ones — especially your family — because you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Once you DO set boundaries and start your process of *healing* you cannot. be. bothered.

9. You’re an “old soul”

Have you been told you were an “old soul” or “wise beyond your years” because of your tendency to nurture others? You may have figured things out for yourself at a young age and took on emotionally mature roles that were inappropriate for your age (you “grew up quickly”).

Is this you? Tell me which ones resonate in the comments ↓

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