7 Things to Do If Your Medical Provider Doesn't Listen To You
How to handle feeling dismissed when your pain is minimized
Modern Hysteria is a newsletter about the worst-kept secrets of womanhood — mental health, motherhood, menopause, and marriage — and this is the weekly listicle. Join us for our monthly Women’s Sharing Circles here.
The very name of this stack — Modern Hysteria — is a nod to the long-held tradition of dismissing women’s mental and physical health concerns, sometimes using the catch-all diagnosis of “hysteria.”
“Hysteria” comes from the Greek word hystera, meaning uterus. Physicians in ancient Greece believed that women’s health issues were irrational, “hysterical,” and caused by their internal organs.
Thus began a long history of attributing physical and emotional pain to an “overactive imagination.”
Read: It’s all in your head
Why women’s pain is minimized
Because medical research has predominantly focused on male bodies, the male body is presented as the “norm,” and women as “other.” Women were excluded from many clinical trials until as recently as the 1990s, and we continue to have enormous gaps in understanding how drugs and diseases affect women.
The belief that women’s health concerns are tied mainly to their reproductive parts — as well as the lack of research on diseases that disproportionately affect women — still influence our healthcare interactions.
Read: 7 f*cked up facts about women’s health I just can’t get over
I feel very fortunate to say I have a team of phenomenal providers (I like to imagine them assembling like the Avengers), but I don’t take them for granted, because, like many women, I know what it’s like to be told “it’s all in your head.”
Here are some suggestions for the next time you feel the need to advocate for yourself in an exam room ↓
☝️ Note: Medical providers are often under extreme pressure to see as many patients as they possibly can in an unreasonable period of time, and these talking points are not a justification for being an unreasonable or noncompliant patient. These suggestions are for you if you ever feel unable to advocate for yourself when you feel dismissed.
1. Ask for clarification
It’s okay to ask your medical provider to walk you through their thought process regarding your care or diagnoses. If you’re not clear about what’s going on, ask them to clarify, like:
“Can you explain why you think this is not a significant concern?”
2. Restate your concerns
If you bring something worrisome to your provider and feel like they breezed right past it, it’s okay to bring attention to your concerns again. You’ve lived with your body long enough to know when something isn’t right. Maybe your concerns are unfounded, but, even if that’s the case, your provider should be able to tell you why:
“I’m not feeling heard right now. Let me explain again why this is concerning to me.”
3. Request a second opinion
Your provider probably knows a lot of specialists. If they haven’t done their due diligence, it’s not unreasonable to ask for a recommendation or whether there any additional tests that could be done to rule out other possibilities:
“I’d feel more comfortable if we could explore this further. Can you recommend additional testing or a specialist?”
4. Assert your feelings and experiences
If you’ve explained your symptoms and you still don’t feel your provider is taking you seriously, say so. You can tell your provider that you are there because you need help, and you would appreciate their support and validation in understanding this issue:
“This pain is real and it’s impacting my life. I need you to take it seriously.”
5. Take notes and ask questions
Write down the provider’s responses and any medical terms they use. You can also ask, “Could you spell that or explain it in more detail?” Part of a medical provider’s job is communicating your diagnosis and treatment plan so you can really understand it.
Take notes on their suggestions and advice, which shows you’re engaged and serious about your care. Ask questions like,
“How would you suggest I handle this issue if it persists or worsens?”
6. Consider bringing an advocate
Bring a trusted friend, family member, or partner to your appointment for support. They can help advocate for you if you feel dismissed. It’s easier to speak up for yourself when you’re not one-on-one with a provider, and your advocate may be able to validate and remember the conversation better later.
7. Know when to walk away
If you continually feel dismissed, it may be time to find a new provider who will take your concerns seriously”
“Thank you for your time, but I believe I would benefit from a second opinion and will be seeking care elsewhere.”
You can fire a provider, but make sure you can seek care from someone else, first.
Why I care about this so much
One of the reasons I feel so strongly about advocating for women’s wellness is because I happen to be married to a physician. And, without his constant advocacy and guidance, I am certain I would not be where I am today (and I may not even be here at all).
Throughout my journey through infertility, preeclampsia, preterm birth, PMDD, hysterectomy, and menopause, I’ve wondered many times how women without this medical privilege make it through diagnoses and treatment.
I share what I’ve learned, for one, to shorten this journey for anyone else who might be struggling to feel seen, heard, and whole. ᠅
Again: Just like in any field, there are medical providers who are strong communicators, and some who don’t have great bedside manner. This is not a list of demands to make on overworked healthcare workers. It is appropriate to use if you feel your pain is minimized in a healthcare setting.
I feel very fortunate to say I have a team of phenomenal providers (I like to imagine them assembling like the Avengers), but I don’t take them for granted, because I know — like many women — what it’s like to be told “it’s all in your head.”
Let’s talk about it
Join me for an upcoming Women’s Sharing Circle for real talk about women’s issues like menopause, motherhood, mental health, money, and marriage. Our Sharing Circles are free and online each month, so we can feel seen, heard, and connected, and show up as better parents, partners, and people.
🗓️ Women’s Sharing Circle October 2024: “Rest"
🗓️ Women’s Sharing Circle November 2024: Topic TBD